i need rain,
but not the kind i have felt before.
i don’t want cold, slanted drops hitting my face
in a conspiracy to make me colder.
i need condensation of relaxation,
showers of inhale-exhale-inhale-exhale breathing,
umbrella weather of honoring me.
i’m so dehydrated,
dizzy from daily activities
and in need of nourishment to bring my heart
back to beating normally.
i need raindrops falling on my head to consume me
so that i want to go outside in it
and maybe even dance
and maybe have a chance of beating my dry spell
so that i can make it to the next harvest
without worry, insecurity, and stress.
am i mad?
why do you ask?
think i am
but not mad,
just a little
in the head.
what really happened?
went on a couple dates
and now i’m
but it’s summer.
why am i so cold?
it’s hot in here
but i’m shivering.
i can’t believe
what just took place.
you invaded my space,
took advantage of my weakness and forced yourself upon me
like i was a pair of tight shoes
or a seat on a crowded bus.
you squeezed into my crevices and corners
and i’m sitting here cold
cuz i thought
you were a gentleman.
even though it’s cold outside,
i crave spring-time love.
not out of necessity,
but the pure, simple complexity:
energy rushing through the beats in my chest
and spreading to an extra sway in my hips
and curve in my smile
and spark in my eye.
even though my skin is now dry,
i feel like sticky pre-summer nights that never end,
where the sky stays the same foggy blue for hours
and midnight conversations buzz
and enlighten in my ears
i wish it could be spring all year…
the beginning of flings and i don’t even care
if they disappear by Labor Day.
but i guess if it weren’t for barren winters
and handsome smiles without words to follow
and today communication that results in
i wouldn’t care about the weather.
i want to be seasoned with rain that’s fun to run through
and kisses of potential and hands held for first times
and dances without music.
i’m counting down months until my next season change
and hoping it comes sooner
than when the weather man claims
cuz it might be winter outside of my window
but it can still be warm in my heart.
wind can chill me in climates where i have to wear my coat
but sunshine can fill my throat
and sing the most beautiful songs
(even if they are off-key).
i feel like a spring-time love,
not out of necessity but pure luxury,
boredom, entitlement, fulfillment
energy rush through me
and change this weather like fall leaves
and leave me satisfied
as summer tip-toes with holes in her socks while
temperatures are increasing
so that like a bear hibernating,
i would have stocked up on enough love
to carry me over to days when the sun
stays up late because even she can’t resist the temptation
of the rush that comes
cold weather is like a broken condom:
the warmth of the sun was so fun and satisfying
and then i look down and find a gaping hole
where unexpected seeds spread when
i was supposed to be protected.
i am so disconnected when
it’s pitch black outside by early evening
and everyone talks about the holiday season
and as i shiver, i get tired of counting
the reasons that i hate
this time of year–
spread the holiday cheer.
you ruined nature for me.
when we met,
it was the beginning of spring
when the rain smelled sweet
and the daytime breeze was something else…
i released breath with the same synchronicity
as the sun beaming and the birds singing.
and then when it was storming!
no one sent me a warning
that mother nature would be raped.
months later, as the leaves change colors and die
and the Fahrenheit scales are no longer high,
i walk outside and the sky is gray,
cold is the sweetheart of rain,
the flowers aren’t even bright
and five o’clock holds hands with the darkness of night
and i still can’t believe
that you ruined nature for me.
i climbed into a hollowed-out sideways tree
that was like a cubby hole in the children’s library
and finally i felt like i could breathe.
confined by rough bark and mud all around me,
i saw the beauty
of creations that are unaffected by my emotional hurricanes.
they weather storms because life is part of the forecast
and i could learn a lesson or two
from that philosophy.
you didn’t actually ruin nature for me,
but instead helped see its resiliency
which provides for me
an example for me of natural beauty
that accompanies strength and willpower.
April showers didn’t bring May flowers,
but instead hours upon hours of pain
that transformed into days
which have now become months .
i want to be free like the trees
that i now see differently–
change colors like the leaves
and blow wherever the wind takes me,
lighthearted and free
despite what you did to me.
i await the day that you will
that me being a part of your life
is so much more
than regular routine,
but more like a route
that makes this life worth living.
although it hurts to stretch,
i want you
to fill me with your love,
reach so far that you erase
my hurt and heartaches
from past people who didn’t know the right way
to expand my feelings, who abused my willingness
to try and my inability to stray.
don’t run away,
just stay a little longer,
let me show you how i can be a woman,
how i’m not just a girl,
but someone to make you feel complete.
i see us leaping, jumping
into new horizons,
the purple and pink and orange we create
in the sky without any clouds to bring rain
on our union.
it’s so clear now–
you’re slipping away,
leaving me and
i don’t want you to go,
but something about the way
tells me that you’re serious this time.
i wish we had more time
to explore and discover,
to be more than casual lovers but truly
there for one another.
please, consider reconsidering
so that you can relieve me of the shivering
that occurs when you are not near.
as you walk away,
i already feel cold.
bring me your warmth from your spark,
fill up the room of my vessel
so that i never feel dark again.
touch my heart again,
let me romance you,
let me convince you
that you are making a mistake.
damn i hate
to beg but you’re leaving me
with no choice. the voice
of our love is hoarse
and me, i just want you
to come back.
i feel empty and without a soul
when i walk around with half of you in my body
and the other half floating beyond my control.
let’s unite and promise to keep it together
because to be honest, we need each other.
i’ve been without you for too long,
forgot who you were
under the guise of being strong
and in my pursuit to survive,
i lost sight
of who you were
and the fact that i need me
and i await the day
when me will come back to this body
so that i can be whole again
rather than begging for the friend
of myself that i
lost and can’t seem to regain.
i feel like i set myself up
like i get my hopes up
for a specific person only to be let
by standards they didn’t even know
my heart is tattooed on my wrists
so that with every exchange,
a new person gets a glance and
no matter how often i try to
wear long sleeves
to hide the tops of my hands,
the ink is inevitably seen.
i’m not sayin i wanna walk around
without a heart or
be a cold woman
but i feel like i don’t know how to
manage this organ i’ve been given.
it dances to its own rhythm,
shuffling and sliding
about 70 steps a minute,
grooving faster than seconds
so it’s no surprise
that no matter how hard i try
to keep up, i fall behind.
this muscle that is the only the size
of two fists
is swifter than all of my logic
and limbs combined.
it provides me with lies
and with each new beat it
neglects to teach
me how to beat
it pumps blood to my arteries
but is still the part of me
that i resent.
i wish i could hold my heart in contempt
for refusing to be honest with my mind,
setting me up with false expectations and trust
and making me crazy whenever i sense
the slightest hint of love.
but for whatever reason,
i still love this heart i have
because when what is in front of me
it speaks to me and tells me
that it is built with the capacity
to expand to other beings
so despite the hurt of my feelings,
my heart is the only route
to get to the true feelings