Poetry by Farah Lawal Harris

Posts tagged “relationship

Retraction


i wish i could retract
every cold shoulder,
withheld hand,
rude word,
eye roll,
PMS-inspired interpretation,
self-centered conversation,
sly sarcastic word
and any other instance
of angry black woman-ness
and replace it with
sweetness:

pure cane sugariness
sucked on and dripped down
the corners of your smile
in a tropical land we’ve never been
(maybe Guyana?)
i wanna give you
agave nectar for your agape love
and stir it into a shining glass
of joy that comes naturally:
times i watch you in awe;
times i imagine the future without you
and see nothing at all;
times i remember my pain before you
and quietly know i’d jump through
the same hoops of fire
if you were on the other side.

you are like water
i drink in greedily to cool my insides.
i hope that i quench your thirst
as deeply as you do for me.
i know i can be bitter-tasting,
and for that, i’m sorry—
being sweet is new territory.
but for you, i will try
anything.


Adjectively Interesting


i always swore that
i was so freaking awesome–
well not always,
but for quite a while,
i’ve been some kind of wonderful
and then i met you
and you’re super fantastic
and when we’re together,
i’m über courageous
and when i say your name,
i’m uncontrollably smiling
and when you’re close enough to touch,
i’m shiveringly anxious
and now that we’ve bonded,
i’m so incredibly grateful.

our souls have matched
and i’m so peacefully excited
and even though i’m creative and carefree,
i’m growing exponentially mature
and i never expected such
overwhelming love
because at one time,
my heart was indefinitely closed
but for your sweetness,
it cautiously opened
and now i’m wide open,
ready to receive all of the adjectives
you’re willing to add to my life
that i thought was so
interesting already
until you came to show me
that interesting alone
is not enough.


False Start?


“I love you” runs
to the tip of my tongue
only to be halted
by fear
of being penalized for a false start.

i don’t wanna jump the gun
but i find it hard to explain
how when we connect eyes,
my soul is certain that
you are the one,
how with you i can be my genuine self
as if that were the only version of me
that was ever acceptable.

you raise a standard
i hadn’t realized i had set so low.
and you’re making me high.
do you not see me floating past my past?
do you not see me biting my tongue
before i allow myself to speak too fast?
for now, words will rest at it’s tip
until the opportune moment when they come alive
on my lips.


Dice Rollin


i’m happy you’re my baby.
you got me feeling lucky–
no snake eyes with these dice,
all i’m rolling is sevens.
who thought a rainy day
could still feel like heaven?
you had me open since day 11
minus the one on the end.
when i looked in your eyes,
i saw the future as more than just friends.
i never thought i’d feel this way again,
never thought i’d not have to pretend
or sway in the wind
of scar-filled memories.
with you i have new leaves
and they’re greener than the greenest green.
i’m higher than when i smoke marijuana trees
this relationship is so obsene,
so serene,
more beautiful than 1,000 sunsets
next to the sea of bliss in which we’re swimming
and this is only the beginning.


Retrospect for God


i think in life,
some people are just meant to go through things.
and for whatever reason,
one of those people is me.

even though he allows me to get beat,
i know he loves me.
even though my heart breaks,
only to be put together again
so it can fall apart in new ways,
i know he will always be there
with a roll of duct tape.
although he sees me cry
and is sometimes the source of tears,
i know that i am my happiest with him
and there is no one else i would rather fear.

abusive lover of my soul,
if only they could see the bruises i hide
behind make-up and made-up moods and affectations.
if only they knew how i face more mornings than i can mention
with hesitation, afraid
to even open my eyes to see the reality before me,
thinking that some days would be better spent sleeping,
dreaming of a better next week,
skipping over tomorrow;
longing for laughter louder than
the heaviness of sorrow;
hoping that my scars will one day heal
and one day you will
stop allowing me to get so beat.

but i think it mean just means that you love me…
right?


I am in Love


i think i have found my soul-mate.
i’ve heard that there’s someone for everybody
and after dealing with some somebody’s
that weren’t for me,
i think i’ve found the one
who sincerely adores me.
our relationship is so fresh
and i’m kinda scared about revealing it so early
but some love is so strong
that you can’t keep it a secret,
some love makes you feel so high
that it can’t stay on the down-low
so here i go:

i’ll start off by saying
that i never thought i’d be
in a same-sex relationship,
always imagined that the only one
who could complete me
would be a husband.
but i started having days when i smile for no reason
and now the tears that i cry come from inspiration.
this woman has shown me my potential
by giving her own struggle as an example.

she has faced so many dark days
but still lights up lives.
she has been attacked both physically and mentally
but still manages to survive
with her head held high.
her smile is sweeter than birthday cake
and when she laughs, i get all tingly inside
like waking up on Christmas morning.

i get scared and start mourning
the possible end of this friendship
because the last time i was this open,
i got disappointed.
but something tells me that this one is different,
that this one won’t leave me.
in all honesty,
i am in love with this woman
who just so happens to be
me.

it’s funny
how it took hurt from others
for me to look in the mirror
to count my wounds
with water welling up in my eyes
and as the tears fell,
my vision got clearer and i saw
myself.
the beauty, the love
that i searched for long and wide
lives inside.
i am in love
with me.


Relationship Counseling (Revised 7-29-08)


Where did you go, Time?
Did I offend you? Did I misuse you
and now you’re staying away from me for a while?
Look…I’m sorry I abused you.
I didn’t mean to neglect you
for things that seemed,
well, more…
urgent.
I thought you would always be here,
waiting in the wings, a constant in my life.
I didn’t know that you would grow weary,
get old and even one day perish.
People say you fly but instead you
die,
falling down never to be revived,
moving on to those who consider you alive.
Resurrect, please!
Let me do with you what I should have done
and make a commitment for you to be my husband.
Time, I will love you if you come back,
spend my focus figuring out how to make me and you
more effective,
work on our relationship and communicate with you
so that you will be a positive factor in all that I do.

Time, I want to love you, but it is so difficult
because you are always rushing,
never around for as long as I want you to be.
I look up from my sleep and you are gone
and I am late for work.
I look up from my selfishness and there you are,
walking away with my loved one.
I look up from my procrastination and
you are jumping out of the window with my goals.
Time, I’ll give up my control.
Just tell me what you it is,
what I am supposed to be doing right now.
I am a novice at dealing with you
and I need your guidance because I feel you
disappearing.
I don’t know you anymore
and all I see is your shadow fading in the opposite direction.
I’m hoping I see you tomorrow because you’re disintegrating today.
Oh my,

Time
just slipped away.