there are some people who honestly believe that
if they focus intently enough,
they can make the flame of a candle
rise and fall with their thoughts.
much too often, i have been a fool,
played the fool for that same trap,
thinking that i can create sparks in acquainted hearts,
mistaking kindness for interest
and my loneliness for the possibility of love.
once a pyromaniac,
i now flee from fire,
keep an extinguisher on my back
and with it, i aim and fire
the potential for romantic stories,
trapped in the fog of my history,
chest burning too painfully to see reality.
i no longer even attempt to stare,
have substituted my gaze for a blank empty glare
like a blind woman who has miraculously regained her sight
but still wears sunglasses because
she’s used to not opening her eyes.
is my fear that the future is too bright
or that all will be white?
absence of color,
absence of hope,
no patience to stare at fire,
seeking another foolish hobby
sometimes i can’t surpass the thought
that i am incomplete,
that there is something
wrong with me
because as much as i desperately need
and want certain things
in my life i am left with my hands empty.
my mind is full but my soul is hungry,
panhandling for fulfillment,
writing signs for help,
and sleeping in the cold with no avail.
i pray for the day when i won’t fail
to appreciate my personality and life,
when i won’t look as my imperfections as
additions to the list of issues i need to fix,
but that i will embrace them,
wear them proudly
and love them as much as
i want someone to love me.